We’re going to be ok

I woke up this morning to an orange sky (the same one everyone else is dealing with, I know). And it just really, really weighed on me. I felt pretty down most of the day.

When I’m stressed or going through something difficult, I don’t cope. I power through. I grit my teeth, pick myself back up, and push harder. I suppress any negative emotions until I can get through to the other side, and then I’ll deal with them. Later. When there’s room to breathe.
It works great in short term emergencies.

But 2020, (just like for everyone, I know) hasn’t had any room to breathe. So I’ve just kept gritting my teeth and powering through each new crummy thing; month after month after month.

And this week I was starting to feel a little optimistic. The fires near us were nearly contained; our covid rate had dropped and our county is set to open up a bit more. But then more fires broke out near us and near my extended family. And then I wake up today to an eerie, crummy sky that looks like it’s from an apocalypse movie.

And I just… I just couldn’t power through anymore. I need that space to breathe but it never came. I felt like a failure for not providing a better world for my kids to grow up in, as if it was in my control. So I moped and felt sad and let my toddler watch way too much Mickey Mouse.

But then I showed my toddler what it looked like outside. I pulled open a curtain and looked out at the desolate ugh. She gasped and shouted “Oh! It’s happy outside!!”

And there you have it. She saw the yellow sky and it made her happy. I don’t know if she’s going to remember this year, she’s so young. But if she does, she’s gonna remember a happy sky and a whole lot of Mickey Mouse. She’s going to be ok. We’re all going to be ok.

-Beth Leung